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place your joke here (keep em clean) |
Ship-Of-Fools
2nd Rear Admiral
Angry Mob
Joined: June 10, 2004
Posts: 415
From: USA
|  Posted: 2007-01-01 07:36
I recently got a job at a church, and have found that almost every joke I know is a dirty joke, so I thought a forum for cleans or semi clean jokes would be cool to give me ammo at work when the telling begins
A lady walks into a BMW dealership
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to crap yourself when I tell you the price."
[ This Message was edited by: Ship-Of-Fools on 2007-01-01 07:52 ]
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Ship-Of-Fools
2nd Rear Admiral
Angry Mob
Joined: June 10, 2004
Posts: 415
From: USA
| Posted: 2007-01-01 07:38
T’was the Day After Christmas
T’was the Day After Christmas
T’was the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our box.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's -- all here!!
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"
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icansee
Cadet
Joined: August 02, 2006
Posts: 327
| Posted: 2007-01-01 07:46
OOO I GOT ONE ........ the japanese have invented a camera that shuts it photo shutters soo fast you can actually take a picture of a women with her mouth shut!!!!!!!!!
ps. Padma if you read this please dont kill me its only a joke and i kinda like my face the shape it is.
[ This Message was edited by: Hms.Blueprint on 2007-01-01 07:52 ]
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-RevenG-
Raven Warriors
Joined: March 03, 2004
Posts: 2673
| Posted: 2007-01-01 12:50
Seeing as I'm the one that tells that joke, I'll fix it for you. In 2018 the Japenese created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, that it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut. Now, if someone gets mad over that, I'm going to laugh.
[ This Message was edited by: -RevenG- on 2007-01-01 12:50 ]
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icansee
Cadet
Joined: August 02, 2006
Posts: 327
| Posted: 2007-01-01 13:39
lol revenge
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Supertrooper
Marshal
Pitch Black
Joined: March 18, 2004
Posts: 1895
From: Maryland, U.S.A
| Posted: 2007-01-01 14:06
I like pie.
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Coeus
Grand Admiral
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: March 22, 2006
Posts: 2815
From: Philly
| Posted: 2007-01-01 16:56
Very well! Let him eat cak- errr, pie!
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Sanity Assassin (K'Luth propaganda)
Grand Admiral
Sanity Assassins
Joined: February 19, 2006
Posts: 919
From: Pittsburgh PA, USA
| Posted: 2007-01-01 17:18
CLEAN?!?!? Thats not fun.
Here is one, A nun walks into a bar and......well nevermind.
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Coeus
Grand Admiral
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: March 22, 2006
Posts: 2815
From: Philly
| Posted: 2007-01-01 18:05
Guy walks into a bar, says "OW!"
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$yTHe {C?}
Grand Admiral
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: September 29, 2002
Posts: 1292
From: Arlington, VA
| Posted: 2007-01-01 18:15
Quote:
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On 2007-01-01 18:05, Coeus the Drunken Mummer wrote:
Guy walks into a bar, says "OW!"
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Coeus
Grand Admiral
Sundered Weimeriners
Joined: March 22, 2006
Posts: 2815
From: Philly
| Posted: 2007-01-01 19:48
Good lord please tell me that guy didn't try to use that MB after that... rofl
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Do I really look like a guy with a plan?
'I'm gonna go crazy, and I'm taking you with me!'
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Light-of-Aurora
Grand Admiral
Joined: December 01, 2003
Posts: 602
From: NJ, USA
| Posted: 2007-01-01 20:50
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
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Sanity Assassin (K'Luth propaganda)
Grand Admiral
Sanity Assassins
Joined: February 19, 2006
Posts: 919
From: Pittsburgh PA, USA
| Posted: 2007-01-02 04:19
reven.........i didnt see that before....but thats really funny. I want one of those cameras
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Binks
1st Rear Admiral
Joined: November 28, 2003
Posts: 469
| Posted: 2007-01-02 10:15
I've got 3...so hopefully you'll find one amusing 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"
After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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The last one is told from your perspective, so the I's are the person telling the joke.
You won't believe what happened to me on the way to [insert location] today. I met a real life pirate! He had a hook for a hand, a patch over one eye, and a peg leg. So naturally I asked him how he lost his leg and he told me.
Arr! A shark bit it off!
Seemed like a reasonable way to lose a leg, so I asked him how he lost his hand.
Arr! Another pirate cut it off!
By now I'm thinking this is one tough pirate, so I asked how he lost his eye.
Arr! A seagull pooped in me eye!
Confused I asked his how that would make him lose it.
Arr! It was me first day with me new hook...
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Ship-Of-Fools
2nd Rear Admiral
Angry Mob
Joined: June 10, 2004
Posts: 415
From: USA
| Posted: 2007-01-10 06:48
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
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